Hard Times

Marriage  in the first year is  so hard. So many things comes out. It is amazing  how one can live with a person for a year and date them for  years, then still not be able to commit to a marriage. What is it about that process?

 My thoughts are that some folks think things will get better after they marry. When in Fact they do not! If a person is not monogamous before the wedding they will not be after. However after a marriage it is called Cheating. Before it is just an affair.

There are other things also. Sometimes folks feel they can  change a person after the union. A big misnomer is  the thought that a person will become a better wife or husband. Following the Head of the house rule.  To discuss these points I will need to number them.

 Number one Changing a person. This is one that I feel is the biggest misnomer. Most people do not change in the first year. There are adjustments that each will need to decide if they want to do.  Give and take is not a  inbreed trait. Most of the time there needs to be good communication in the relationship to set some goals. Might I say these are Goals and not Set in Stone Rules or Demands. These can be stressful in the first year.

Number two the roles of Husband and Wife. Oh  these words! Not common in this decade of marriage. They refer to it as " Partners". Even though it is still an inbreed thought pattern. We all have that thought of what  married life should be. The problem is it is not always the same  in the two persons minds. Depending on how one Grows up and their family life will determined  their view on this matter. It is so important to do that premarital counseling. It is here that those  expectations are realized.  That is also the time to discuss how to handle your difference. This is important so that the first year will go better. Not that things or ideas will not change the following years. Most of the time they do change and adapt. It just takes time.

Number three The Head of the House. It use to be decades ago the the Man was the head of the house. He made all the decisions, handle the funds and Paid the bills. Around the 70's that changed, it might have even started in the late 60's. However with are changing times the Woman  have become more  vocal and the main income person. Even having two separate bank account have become the norm.  If a person was raised in  a "Head of the House" home. It will be harder for that person to adapt to the new Marriage structure. Sometime in the 70's I took the  lead in paying the bill and managing the money. It was agreed upon by my husband and I.  My thoughts are this it a subject that need to be decided upon early in the marriage,if not before the marriage vows. Money is the number one cause for separations in the first year. Deciding who will pay the bills and how the household will run financially is  an essential piece in a marriage.

Marriage can be a wonderful thing. I have been married for over 40 years. We have had our ups and downs. However we were able to get through them with some help from counseling and an open communication between the two of us. Our thoughts of marriage has changed since we first were married. We have evolved to a different realtionship in the marriage. We are still in love with each other and look forward to our retirement. As I tried to show, change does come it is just not in the first year.  Also that some things are very important to look at before  the vows. These are things that will save the marriage and make the first few years easier.

 Learning about each other is an ongoing  process and just when you think you know, something new  shows up.  I have always said " You must like the person very much, respect them and Love them with all your heart" . Everything you do must be with that persons feeling in your mind. How will it effect him or her. Is it glorifing  your mate. Once you are married it is no longer just you that matters.