I have not posted in a long time. My life has been in turmoil. First off My Mother die some years ago, changing my life forever. Then my Brother died, which change the dynamics of the family. My Father died in 2019. This was the most difficult time for me. After his death I lost another Brother not in death but as to his decision not to being there for me. Unfortunately he also convinced some family member not to have any more connect with me. Some awful and hurting words from them were said to me. So these last two years have been very hard on me.
First off My Mothers wishes. Mom was diagnosed with ovarian cancer in 2006. Began Chemo treatment then. At her request she wanted me to come and help out. For her and my dad, they need help with household things,treatment transportation and financial help. I Spent a lot of time with her. Needless to say there was a child at my home, which my husband was attending. My Husband was great. loosing his parents in the 80's and 90's my parents became his. That is the way they wanted it. Later in 2007 my parents moved in with us as she had another bout of Chemo and radiation treatments in Philly. I took her there stayed with them there and supported them. Plus learned how to administrate the new treatments they offered her. During this time Mom asked me to do several things upon her death. She had told me some things that she had in place for me to complete her wishes. How my Father and older brother would need my help. I learned things that I really didn't know and my eyes were opened to the family dynamics. After her death Dad told me their plans they discussed. This included Dads needs for financial and household assistance. He knew he would not be able to stay by his self.
We went back and force to his house and ours for months. I cleaned, cooked him meals and froze them. Made doctor appointments and took him to them. Managed his medicine and later his diabetes needs. Managed his bills and paid them for him. It come time for him to move in with us. He was getting sicker and wasn't able to manage his diabetes. During the time he was at his house my middle Brother would call me and tell me to go help dad. He had no clue I was doing that. Also during the time Mom was sick with cancer he would tell me to stop helping them that they did not need me help. Claiming that I was gold digging. Which was the furthest from the truth. I loved my parents very much and everything I did was out of Love for them. Even when my Mom asked me to continue to do things for her I told her of course I would she didn't even have to ask. I talked to Dad about selling the house he said no. When we asked him why he told me what Mom wanted for the house. That she wanted me to have it. They had decided before her death that would be done. So Dad asked how to do it. He got a lawyer and they discussed his options . He decided on one and set it up. I tell you this cause that is what started the family breakup. Dad had a massive stoke in 2019 and with in 3 months was gone.
In 2015 My Middle brother was diagnosed with ALS. They gave him 2 years. During that time he became a different person. I believe his thinking was infected. He began doing things uncommon for him. My Father said my brother was jealous of me. I really didn't understand that. However, during a time after mom death he became different. In the beginning he was his old self, as I remember in my youth and younger adulthood. Sometime in the late nineties, after we adopted our daughter he changed. Not sure why, Dad thought it was the competition with the grand kids. Thinking back I think he might have been right. We did spend a lot of time with Mom and Dad. going on vacations together and spending a lot of time. One thing that he didn't understand was that I had lost 4 children in miscarriages and one in the tube. Lost the ability to have any biological children. Then had 3 adoptions fall through. One of them my parents went through with us. Right up to the day of birth, we all were ready to go to the hospital! When they called to say the birth father did not want the adoption to go through. it was hard on all of. My Mom took it very hard. We having gone through this before were able to understand the birth parents decision. It is hard to give up something that you carry in you for 9 months. This brought us closer to together. So when we finally adopted my parents were so attached to our child in so many ways. My Dad thought that my brother was jealous of that bond. I believe he could not understand it since he had never gone through anything like that. Having 5 biological kids of his own. He really did not believe in adoption. That became clear to us when he watched my daughter, even in his comments about her to the family. I just let it go and didn't ask him to help out anymore. Later he would tell us we were not invited to his house and not to have anything to do with he family, no gifts, letter or cards. Even then I respected his decisions. We did talk after Moms death but it was short lived.
My Brothers influence on his family hit once he died. Someone asked me to speak at the Funeral . I was not sure I should, being the view of some of the family on us. However my other brothers and Dad told me I should. So i did. Later it stabbed me in the back. Then after my Dads death most of the family decided as my brother did in his life they wanted nothing to do with me , words repeated from their Dad, You are not part of our family.
Now to tell you what happened during the last year of my brothers life. He apologized to me and ask us to help his wife out with all she will need to do after his death. Told us he was worried about her. Wanted her to move on with life. Didn't think she would get the help she needed from others. We agreed to help her. My husband worked in the government just as he did and knew how to guide her through the process. We helped as much as we could and as much as she wanted. I Loved my brother very much and I do miss him. Even though we had moments in life we still were family in my eyes.
After my Father death it was hard on the family, maybe dealing with should haves. Whatever the reasons there was a lot of pain and things were said by family members. Not understanding the wishes of my parents was a big deal. Feelings of lost and what did they leave me came to a head. My living brothers got money from an insurance policy as well as items from the house, furniture and items. Steve and I gave them some money from our accounts and we paid for Dads funeral. Even with us doing that there was still problems. My baby brother disowned me a family. My Brothers wife and most of the family disowned us and told us not to come to their family gathering. We lost a lot.
My oldest Brother and I are great. We are talking a lot and seeing each other when we can. I am living in the family home and feeling the presence of my parents all the time. I love that feeling. Hoping to be able to see the Folks on my Moms side more. Everyone on my Dads side are gone. My Mother has a brother.
Thinking back to my
childhood, we had some hard times. No matter how you look at things our
lives were good. We had great Parents who were young but saw that we had
all we needed. Learned a lot in my life. How to manage disappointments
and changes as we grew up. Finding our own way to live. In my thirties
and fourtes I learn to respect and love my parents. Learned that they
went through a lot in their life. Even through it all they were givers
and helpers. I choose to be that in life. As teenagers we tend to not
understand things and feel everything is about us. When we age we start
to see things differently. Maybe even understanding some things we
didn't earlier. Wisdom is produced and becomes clearer in the mind.
Understanding about decisions made in the past.