101 Auntie E Street, Bloggersville, USA

101 Auntie E Street, Bloggersville, USA
Welcome, Back door is open, come in a sit Aspell..Let's talk...

Sunday, November 3, 2019

After A Death the Feeling Of lonliness is Great

It is hard when family dies, The last of my parents and Closest Brother are gone now. I feel more alone and left out of the remaining family members. Just do not understand how All my Family, just think that I do not need them. 

I look on FB and see all the stuff going on, My eyes are not blind I do see stuff! Yet I am family and I get all my info from FB as if I am just a FB Friends. I guess I just want to let folks know How that Hurts, especially at this time In my life. My own family just leaving me on the outside. I have to be the one to make calls to see what is happening. My how life has change. The worst thing is thinking I will be all alone in my older years. 

The younger group will not be there, especially if they are not there Now. Even when I go to their home I feel like an outsider. They all talking about their time together, their activities and I trying to talk and feeling like I am bothering them. Not interested in what I say. Yet seeing them laugh and talk with other family. Story of my life.

I had the best Parents. We Played together, vacationed together, talked about things, visited family together and just enjoy doing stuff together. Now they are gone and here I am longing to have that feeling again. But knowing it will not be. because of the Family only thinking of me as a Friend not Family. Even talking to be as they would a friend. I have tried, however I think they only wanted to see their Grandfather and not us. Now that he is gone, There is no need to see us. If I invited ourselves or showed up at their home It would not be a good thing. Trying to force ourselves on family is not a good thing. It only causes heartache in the long run. Oh yeah they say you are family, however actions speak the truth.

Oh yeah almost all the grandchildren  came to the Funeral.  However they did not come see him at his home or my home. We always went to them. Their  reasons were the children, the time, their jobs and a lot of other excuses. But then I see them  travel across the states to see other grandparent, Aunts and Uncles and the other family members. I live only 90 minutes from them and they come up here for other things and outing, then posting it on Facebook and never call or stop by.   But drive right by us. This is so hard to understand. Oh yeah my eyes are good I see their post on Facebook.

So, my Husband ask me, why I bother to go to them. Also He feels that when they do not come to visit us during the year. Why are we expected to just go there.  Then feel like it was just a jester on their part not a genuine family invite. That they were hoping we would not come. I have been thinking about that since the death of my Father.

I feel like I had to beg the family to come to the house after the funeral.  They were just in a hurry to go back. Do not get me wrong I was very please they even managed to come. Cause I thought No one would. If they had not come, it would have only been my two brothers, my only Uncle and I  at the funeral. So I was glad to see them.  Now I am back to the original feeling. If I had to beg them to come to the house for the wake, What does that mean? To me it tells me that we are not consider an important part of their lives. Only a Family Friend. Just do not know how to handle that. that they only came to the funeral to satisfy their minds to say goodbye to their grandfather. Not to support my grieving or for the living.

I hope things will change in the near  future. However so much damage has already set in, that  we seem to  want to just leave. Maybe if we move far away they might come visit, like they do to the other family side. I guess what really bothers me is that we live so close and are not part of their lives. Only during birthday and Christmas are we invited and then treated like outsiders. Family photos announced but not including us but including other aunts and uncles. Even when we showed up they excluded us, Even on Facebook photos they exclude us in fa milt fun time photos, when we were there. This is why the feeling of just family friend is there. Each time we left we felt like they really invited us out of guilt or I ask them and they felt they could not say no.

So Now I will not invite myself to their home. I really am tired of  feeling like I am intruding on them.  I love seeing the kids on FB. Now I think I need to just stop seeing them because it makes me feel more sadden at the situation. Maybe someday they will see why  this make us feel so  alone.

All of this is not just a recent  thing. It has been going on for decades. This is one reason We have decided , at this time, on No Funeral or Memorial service for us. Anyone who would come, never came when we were alive. Our cared enough to call or talk to us as family does. We do not want them to show up when we do not need them. Just to appear as if they were so close to us to others. When we are no longer present.

Knowing that I will never be a Grandmother or have children of my own that will be there for us. It is a hard lonely thought. I have an adopted child. She is not going to take care of us. She told us that. Since meeting her biological family she has changed so much  towards us. We know that she is trying to find her way. So we just stand by. However she did tells us she will not take care of us in our old age. Like I did for my Mother and Father. 

Life as we thought it would be is not  happening. My hubby and I are retiring soon. We are going to live our lives to the fullest. enjoy one another as long as our God permits. Try to find a new family in  Gods family on  this earth. It will be hard because we have not seen that parts in many years. We are hopeful that they do exists somewhere. The Lord will lead us to it in our last days on this earth. 

I always have hope that my family will see how being left out is hurting us. maybe they will turn there heart to loving us as family and including us in their lives.

Friday, May 24, 2019

When did Life become Lonley?

So Much going on here. At times I feel so overwhelmed. Even when there is unforeseen events, Regular normal life goes on. Seldom does ones Normal everyday things halt, so one can just take care of one thing at a time.During these times we really see folks concerns. I know life is really busy for folks however, this really shows how much we have lost in these generations. Folks have no time to help their friends.I think It is time to Move on, I seen it more and more in the last year. I feel like it is easier for one to pass away in their home and no one would know.

We have had In our household Ambulances come, Stokes, Falls, Storm  damages and no one came to see what was going on. Oh yeah weeks later I mentioned it to neighbors and they said yeah we saw and wondered. So what happened to calling or coming over and supporting the family in crisis. I spent time trying to be two places at one time. Calling folks and getting answering machines. No return calls. Use social media to reach out. Received a lot of I'll Prayer for you!  As if prayer can make two of me!

Recently We had a Massive Maple tree come down  and destroy our fences and sheds. Of course it is up to us to get the help to remove it. But what about the help with emptying the sheds? With a husband sick and handicapped, An aging Father that needs full time assistance and being ,I hate to admit this , in my mid 60's it is hard for me to do some things by myself. 

I am just starting to realize how aging folks have had a hard time. If one comes from a large family there might be family help. If one is actively involved with a church there might be church help. However is life causes one to fall away from the church family. Or Move away from family. they are on their own. Hopefully they have a boatload of Money to hire help! Otherwise too bad.

I once read a book about a lady, True story, who just could not get help. She prayed to God for help. Asking in full faith for assistance, None came. Oh folks talk to her and shared their concern, but no help for her. Her Trust in the Lord made it a little bearable. Most of the thought was this will get better. Later in life she attending a conference and met up with some of the same folks from her earlier life struggles. She shared her stories of how her faith in God was a struggle. One thing common in their response to her was, They thought she had the means to take care of it by herself. Yes  the thought came in their head to help, but their mind response was she can handle it herself.  I will always remember that book cause that is how it has been with me these past few years.

My believe is that folks miss read people. thinking just because the appear to be strong and mighty. Able to leap tall building in a single bound, superman or superwoman. but in reality we all are weak and need each other to lift us up and support them,and help in  times a  disappear.  Today perception is masked with Darkness, failure to see the real picture. Folks do not  listen to the peoples voices. Too busy with their own lives too see others needs.

 We have lost the outward compassion for people.Turning the compassion inwardly. Making it easier to live with ourselves when something really bad happens.  That way one can live with themselves later.

I have always been an outward compassionate person. Through out my life I have helped folks in need. I still do as much as I can. sometimes it is just by providing the means for assistance. Sometimes it is sitting a listening. sometimes it is a call and visit to that person. It is harder for me Now a days due to my father and husbands needs. Both are not in good health. Death is waiting at their door. Trying to lift them up from the darkness is sometimes so hard for me. When Unforeseen event show up the burden becomes heavier. I tend to just want to runaway more and more.  To just have a time when I can not think about that 24/7 care or that never ending task. 

One thing I am learning is that unless I really scream, try to find the time to serve in a church, and call my friends out. there will be no Help. I really have stopped calling and asking cause I can not take anymore excuses, whether legit or not. 

I have decided to just voice my feelings in this blog in hopes that one day someone will read it and change the way the look at things. Finding that outward Compassion to help and start  making it a priority to  drop everything and be there for them. Leaving the Self servicing  lives  behind.

Wednesday, May 1, 2019

Grinding with Auntie E: Life as I See it!

I am seeing the difference between Close friends and Just friends. Close friend are very hard to come by in this time of life. In the Military Family it is even harder, cause of the moving around. I have lived in this area for 25 years! Longer then anywhere in my life. I feel more Alone here than anywhere else I have lived. This is a busy area for folks. As I grow Older I have seen how more folks are introverts. Hubby wants to relocate after retirement, I was not onboard with it. However these last few years have been an eye opening for me. So Now I can see a Move might be good.