2 hard 2 handle

Ever have a dream that upset you. To the point that you can not seem to shake it off. Since My Mothers' death I have had some dreams that are like that. Most of them are just spending time with her. However some times they are of an abandon type, ie: she does not come home, I can not talk to her. My Mother passed away from Ovarian Cancer a year ago. It has been hard on me because we were close. My family went on vacations with my parents. We played cards together. Even in the last 2 years with her cancer, now and then, we lived together. During her cancer treatments I nursed her. Medicare did not cover home care. I took her to philly for treatments, administered meds,drained chest tube, and intravenous feeding. I enjoyed all the time a had with her. In the last week she was on Hospice care. even then I stay with her. Caring for her needs. When she went to be with Jesus,as she put it, I was there in the house. I miss her greatly. It Seems that I can not get a feeling of peace. Every time I think I am making progress, I slide back. Why is it hard to accept that death. I know that parents will pass on. That one does not live forever. However It seems to me that the lost is greater then one expects. I thought if I blogged this it would in some way release the overwhelming sadness. I feel the need to put something in the place of this loss. I just do not know what.